The Life of a Dog

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

Life Without Email

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

The Blonde & The Puzzle

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Actual Newspaper Headlines (we can only assume!)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Farmer Bill Dies in House
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
8. Eye Drops off Shelf
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
18. War Dims Hope for Peace
19. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
20. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
21. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
23. Deer Kill 17,000
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
26. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
27. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
31. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
33. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Important Advice

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

Cat's Captivity Diary

The Life of a Cat

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

McDonalds Job Application

McDonald's Job Application

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Paying For Food

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Accident Summaries

Actual Accident Summaries

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

---

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

---

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

---

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

---

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

---

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

---

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

---

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

---

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

---

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

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The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

---

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

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I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

---

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

---

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

---

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

---

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

---

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

---

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

Medical School Rejects

Medical School Application Answers:

Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....

QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS

Antibody: against everyone

Artery: the study of fine paintings

Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria

Benign: what you have after eight

Cardiology: advance study of poker playing

Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty

Chronic: neck of a crow

Coma: Punctuation mark

Cyst: short of Sister

Diagnosis: person with slanted nose

Dislocation: in this place

Duodenum: couple in jeans

Enema: not a friend

False Labor: pretending to work

Gallbladder: bladder in a girl

Hernia: she is close by

Hymen: greeting to several males

Labor Pain: hut at work

Lactose: person without digits on

Liposuction: a French Kiss

Lymph : walk unsteadily

Menopause: I no wait

Microbes: small dressing gowns

Obesity: city of Obe

Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein: a favour of teens

Pulse: grain

Pus: small cat

Red Blood Count: Dracula

Rupture: ecstasy

Secretion: hiding anything

Serum: Sailors drink

Subcutaneous: not cute enough

Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"

Tablet: small table

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Undocumented Windows Errors Part 2

Undocumented Windows Errors, Part II

*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.

*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.

*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583 Bytes available