1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
...and the best one of them all...
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Excuses if you get got sleeping at work...
Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Random Puns...
After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders."
---
The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
---
A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.
---
The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
---
A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Dem bones...
Organization Body
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Now Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Answers to why the chicken crossed the road, according to...
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Off The Wall Motor Insurance Claims
Funny motor insurance claims
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Wisdom Of Love Sayings
Wisdom of Love
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.
Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.
Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Chain Letters. . .
Chain Letters
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
---
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
---
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
---
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
---
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
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Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
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I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
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I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
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Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's So HOT....
It's So Hot In Here...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
You're a teacher if...
You're A Teacher If...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
Friday, August 6, 2010
Bizarre Items Left in Hotel Rooms
** Bizarre Items Left in Hotel Rooms **
An international hotel chain has released information about the bizarre items left in hotel rooms. During 2007 this amounted to the value of some £750,000 [approx. $1,500,00USD].
Items included:
A monk's habit
£3,000 [$5,900 USD] engagement ring
A false eye
An artificial leg
A blow up sheep
Several leather whips
Several expensive leather jackets
8 posters of Jonathan Ross [a broadcaster in the UK]
An inflatable sumo wrestler
* Other hotel chains include the following 'left behind' items:
Mobile phone chargers
Children's playpen
Pool and snooker cues
Keys to a Ferrari
A portable poker table
A wedding dress
A mini fridge filled with pickled asparagus
A £2000 Rolex watch [approx.$3900 USD]
Several false teeth
A case of cigars
An international hotel chain has released information about the bizarre items left in hotel rooms. During 2007 this amounted to the value of some £750,000 [approx. $1,500,00USD].
Items included:
A monk's habit
£3,000 [$5,900 USD] engagement ring
A false eye
An artificial leg
A blow up sheep
Several leather whips
Several expensive leather jackets
8 posters of Jonathan Ross [a broadcaster in the UK]
An inflatable sumo wrestler
* Other hotel chains include the following 'left behind' items:
Mobile phone chargers
Children's playpen
Pool and snooker cues
Keys to a Ferrari
A portable poker table
A wedding dress
A mini fridge filled with pickled asparagus
A £2000 Rolex watch [approx.$3900 USD]
Several false teeth
A case of cigars
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Who are they searching for?
One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
'Hello.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes, 'whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, 'whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A hello-copper' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, 'The search team just landed the hello-copper.'
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 'ME.'
'Hello.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes, 'whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, 'whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A hello-copper' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, 'The search team just landed the hello-copper.'
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 'ME.'
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Oh, to be a kid again!
Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Don't Paint Your Canary!
Jim strolls into the paint section of his local hardware store. Bob is the assistant on the floor that day. "Can I help you?" Bob asks.
"Yes. I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," replies Jim.
"Certainly," says Bob, fetching the small can. "Painting some trim?"
"Nope. I'm going to paint my parakeet."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"I want to enter him into a canary singing contest. He sings so sweetly, I'm sure he'd win!" Jim exclaims.
"Well, you can't do that," says Bob. "Besides the fact it's cheating, the chemicals in the paint will kill the poor bird."
"Nah, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint it."
"You're on!" says Jim as he pays for his paint and strides out of the store.
Two days later Jim returns, looking very sheepish, and puts a ten-dollar bill on the counter in front of Bob.
"So the paint killed your parakeet?" Bob inquires.
"Well, indirectly," replies Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
"Yes. I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," replies Jim.
"Certainly," says Bob, fetching the small can. "Painting some trim?"
"Nope. I'm going to paint my parakeet."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"I want to enter him into a canary singing contest. He sings so sweetly, I'm sure he'd win!" Jim exclaims.
"Well, you can't do that," says Bob. "Besides the fact it's cheating, the chemicals in the paint will kill the poor bird."
"Nah, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint it."
"You're on!" says Jim as he pays for his paint and strides out of the store.
Two days later Jim returns, looking very sheepish, and puts a ten-dollar bill on the counter in front of Bob.
"So the paint killed your parakeet?" Bob inquires.
"Well, indirectly," replies Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
Monday, August 2, 2010
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (see #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. NOTE: This is true UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that
is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever' (see #8).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "You are in *BIG* trouble!"
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' See #3 for the woman's response.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (see #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. NOTE: This is true UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that
is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever' (see #8).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "You are in *BIG* trouble!"
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' See #3 for the woman's response.
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