After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes... do you kids have any questions?”
Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Don't Put These On Your Resume!
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
-- "I am a rabid typist."
-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."
-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
-- "I am a rabid typist."
-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."
-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Monday, December 20, 2010
Instead of a Nursing Home
There will be no nursing home in my future........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Dementia Test
Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Lion and the Mime
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Motorcycle Accident
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
Monday, November 1, 2010
Blondes Convention
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Friday, October 29, 2010
Time to RUN!
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wisdom from Pilots
Pilots' Wisdom
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sermon Samples
My pastor friend told me his chruch installed sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms. After about two weeks I dropped by to see him and noticed workmen taking them out.
I asked him why. The pastor confessed that they worked fine, but said when he went in the men's room after the previous Sunday's service he found a scribbled note above one of the hand dryers that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push button."
Not surprisingly, the dryers were out, paper towell dispensers were back in.
I asked him why. The pastor confessed that they worked fine, but said when he went in the men's room after the previous Sunday's service he found a scribbled note above one of the hand dryers that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push button."
Not surprisingly, the dryers were out, paper towell dispensers were back in.
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Perfect Man
The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."
One elderly gentleman stood up.
"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.
"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."
One elderly gentleman stood up.
"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.
"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."
Monday, October 18, 2010
Giving up Golf
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
Friday, October 15, 2010
Take me out to the ballgame. . .
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Penguin Power
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Optimist vs. Pessimist
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Epitaphs
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones:
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Signs Found In Kitchens
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
...and the best one of them all...
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
...and the best one of them all...
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Excuses if you get got sleeping at work...
Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Random Puns...
After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders."
---
The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
---
A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.
---
The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
---
A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Dem bones...
Organization Body
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Now Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Answers to why the chicken crossed the road, according to...
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Off The Wall Motor Insurance Claims
Funny motor insurance claims
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Wisdom Of Love Sayings
Wisdom of Love
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.
Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.
Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Chain Letters. . .
Chain Letters
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
---
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
---
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
---
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
---
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
---
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
---
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
---
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
---
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's So HOT....
It's So Hot In Here...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
You're a teacher if...
You're A Teacher If...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
Friday, August 6, 2010
Bizarre Items Left in Hotel Rooms
** Bizarre Items Left in Hotel Rooms **
An international hotel chain has released information about the bizarre items left in hotel rooms. During 2007 this amounted to the value of some £750,000 [approx. $1,500,00USD].
Items included:
A monk's habit
£3,000 [$5,900 USD] engagement ring
A false eye
An artificial leg
A blow up sheep
Several leather whips
Several expensive leather jackets
8 posters of Jonathan Ross [a broadcaster in the UK]
An inflatable sumo wrestler
* Other hotel chains include the following 'left behind' items:
Mobile phone chargers
Children's playpen
Pool and snooker cues
Keys to a Ferrari
A portable poker table
A wedding dress
A mini fridge filled with pickled asparagus
A £2000 Rolex watch [approx.$3900 USD]
Several false teeth
A case of cigars
An international hotel chain has released information about the bizarre items left in hotel rooms. During 2007 this amounted to the value of some £750,000 [approx. $1,500,00USD].
Items included:
A monk's habit
£3,000 [$5,900 USD] engagement ring
A false eye
An artificial leg
A blow up sheep
Several leather whips
Several expensive leather jackets
8 posters of Jonathan Ross [a broadcaster in the UK]
An inflatable sumo wrestler
* Other hotel chains include the following 'left behind' items:
Mobile phone chargers
Children's playpen
Pool and snooker cues
Keys to a Ferrari
A portable poker table
A wedding dress
A mini fridge filled with pickled asparagus
A £2000 Rolex watch [approx.$3900 USD]
Several false teeth
A case of cigars
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Who are they searching for?
One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
'Hello.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes, 'whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, 'whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A hello-copper' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, 'The search team just landed the hello-copper.'
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 'ME.'
'Hello.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes, 'whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, 'whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A hello-copper' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, 'The search team just landed the hello-copper.'
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 'ME.'
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Oh, to be a kid again!
Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Don't Paint Your Canary!
Jim strolls into the paint section of his local hardware store. Bob is the assistant on the floor that day. "Can I help you?" Bob asks.
"Yes. I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," replies Jim.
"Certainly," says Bob, fetching the small can. "Painting some trim?"
"Nope. I'm going to paint my parakeet."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"I want to enter him into a canary singing contest. He sings so sweetly, I'm sure he'd win!" Jim exclaims.
"Well, you can't do that," says Bob. "Besides the fact it's cheating, the chemicals in the paint will kill the poor bird."
"Nah, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint it."
"You're on!" says Jim as he pays for his paint and strides out of the store.
Two days later Jim returns, looking very sheepish, and puts a ten-dollar bill on the counter in front of Bob.
"So the paint killed your parakeet?" Bob inquires.
"Well, indirectly," replies Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
"Yes. I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," replies Jim.
"Certainly," says Bob, fetching the small can. "Painting some trim?"
"Nope. I'm going to paint my parakeet."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"I want to enter him into a canary singing contest. He sings so sweetly, I'm sure he'd win!" Jim exclaims.
"Well, you can't do that," says Bob. "Besides the fact it's cheating, the chemicals in the paint will kill the poor bird."
"Nah, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint it."
"You're on!" says Jim as he pays for his paint and strides out of the store.
Two days later Jim returns, looking very sheepish, and puts a ten-dollar bill on the counter in front of Bob.
"So the paint killed your parakeet?" Bob inquires.
"Well, indirectly," replies Jim. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
Monday, August 2, 2010
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (see #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. NOTE: This is true UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that
is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever' (see #8).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "You are in *BIG* trouble!"
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' See #3 for the woman's response.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (see #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. NOTE: This is true UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that
is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever' (see #8).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "You are in *BIG* trouble!"
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' See #3 for the woman's response.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Life of a Dog
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Life Without Email
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Blonde & The Puzzle
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Widow at the Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Monday, July 26, 2010
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Actual Newspaper Headlines (we can only assume!)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Farmer Bill Dies in House
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
8. Eye Drops off Shelf
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
18. War Dims Hope for Peace
19. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
20. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
21. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
23. Deer Kill 17,000
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
26. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
27. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
31. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
33. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Farmer Bill Dies in House
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
8. Eye Drops off Shelf
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
18. War Dims Hope for Peace
19. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
20. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
21. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
23. Deer Kill 17,000
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
26. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
27. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
31. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
33. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Important Advice
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Cat's Captivity Diary
The Life of a Cat
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Monday, July 12, 2010
McDonalds Job Application
McDonald's Job Application
This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)
SEX: Not yet.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)
SEX: Not yet.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Paying For Food
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Accident Summaries
Actual Accident Summaries
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
---
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
---
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
---
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
---
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
---
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
---
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
---
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
---
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
---
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
---
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
---
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
---
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
---
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
---
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
---
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
---
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
---
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
---
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
---
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
---
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
---
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
---
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
---
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
---
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
---
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
---
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
---
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
---
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
---
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
---
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
---
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
---
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
---
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
---
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
---
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
---
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Medical School Rejects
Medical School Application Answers:
Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....
QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS
Antibody: against everyone
Artery: the study of fine paintings
Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
Benign: what you have after eight
Cardiology: advance study of poker playing
Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
Chronic: neck of a crow
Coma: Punctuation mark
Cyst: short of Sister
Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
Dislocation: in this place
Duodenum: couple in jeans
Enema: not a friend
False Labor: pretending to work
Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
Hernia: she is close by
Hymen: greeting to several males
Labor Pain: hut at work
Lactose: person without digits on
Liposuction: a French Kiss
Lymph : walk unsteadily
Menopause: I no wait
Microbes: small dressing gowns
Obesity: city of Obe
Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein: a favour of teens
Pulse: grain
Pus: small cat
Red Blood Count: Dracula
Rupture: ecstasy
Secretion: hiding anything
Serum: Sailors drink
Subcutaneous: not cute enough
Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
Tablet: small table
Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....
QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS
Antibody: against everyone
Artery: the study of fine paintings
Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
Benign: what you have after eight
Cardiology: advance study of poker playing
Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
Chronic: neck of a crow
Coma: Punctuation mark
Cyst: short of Sister
Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
Dislocation: in this place
Duodenum: couple in jeans
Enema: not a friend
False Labor: pretending to work
Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
Hernia: she is close by
Hymen: greeting to several males
Labor Pain: hut at work
Lactose: person without digits on
Liposuction: a French Kiss
Lymph : walk unsteadily
Menopause: I no wait
Microbes: small dressing gowns
Obesity: city of Obe
Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein: a favour of teens
Pulse: grain
Pus: small cat
Red Blood Count: Dracula
Rupture: ecstasy
Secretion: hiding anything
Serum: Sailors drink
Subcutaneous: not cute enough
Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
Tablet: small table
Friday, July 2, 2010
School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Undocumented Windows Errors Part 2
Undocumented Windows Errors, Part II
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Undocumented Windows Errors
Undocumented Windows Errors, Part I
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dogs and Computers
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"
Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"
Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction
Monday, June 28, 2010
Understanding a Woman's Language
Understanding a Woman's Language
"Fine" - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing" - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(loud sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
(soft sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh" - This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot" - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
"Fine" - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing" - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(loud sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
(soft sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh" - This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot" - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wedding Plans
Wedding Plans
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Friday, June 25, 2010
The woodcarver, rabbit & housemaid..
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a
forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the
housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable
to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was
dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest
to find wood that would be suitable for carving.
They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood
just perfect for a wood sculpture. Unfortunately, they couldn't
agree on what to carve.
The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs.
The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.
Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went
back to the cottage and explained their problem.
The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the
woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe
would win.
You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught
it and peeked: Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the hare dresser knew
for sure.
forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the
housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable
to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was
dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest
to find wood that would be suitable for carving.
They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood
just perfect for a wood sculpture. Unfortunately, they couldn't
agree on what to carve.
The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs.
The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.
Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went
back to the cottage and explained their problem.
The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the
woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe
would win.
You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught
it and peeked: Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the hare dresser knew
for sure.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Where's That Squirrel?
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and
before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with
the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh! I'm in deep
doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about
to pounce, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts in mid-strike. A look
of terror comes over him as he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German
Shepherd nearly had me!"
At this point, a squirrel who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree figures he can get on the panther's
good side.
"Hey, panther! Y'know, that whole German Shepard thing with
the bones was a fake."
"What do you mean?"
"Those bones were already there. When he saw you he pretended
they were his dinner to scare you off."
Furious at being made a fool of, the young panther says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"
The old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back. He figures out what must have happened
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" He turns to run but,
realizing he can't outrun a panther, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says, "Now where's that squirrel? I sent him off an
hour ago to bring me another panther!"
before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with
the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh! I'm in deep
doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about
to pounce, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts in mid-strike. A look
of terror comes over him as he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German
Shepherd nearly had me!"
At this point, a squirrel who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree figures he can get on the panther's
good side.
"Hey, panther! Y'know, that whole German Shepard thing with
the bones was a fake."
"What do you mean?"
"Those bones were already there. When he saw you he pretended
they were his dinner to scare you off."
Furious at being made a fool of, the young panther says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"
The old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back. He figures out what must have happened
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" He turns to run but,
realizing he can't outrun a panther, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says, "Now where's that squirrel? I sent him off an
hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
ALLLEEE OOOP
The champion jockey is about to enter an important steeplechase
on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race
and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!'
real loud in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be
fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The
jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse
crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat
embarrassed, whispers, 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same
thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of
the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have
to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" real loud. Sure enough, the
horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What
is he - deaf or something?"
"Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race
and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!'
real loud in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be
fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The
jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse
crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat
embarrassed, whispers, 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same
thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of
the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have
to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" real loud. Sure enough, the
horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What
is he - deaf or something?"
"Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Preparing for Flight Announcement
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this memorable
pre-flight safety announcement.
"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really
long evening.
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is ... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now.
"Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you
did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink
in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small
child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us
all a favor and put on your mask first.
"If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first, and then work your way down.
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having
my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please
take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.
"To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To
release, it's a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is
a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the
smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ...
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.
"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would
have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"
pre-flight safety announcement.
"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really
long evening.
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is ... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now.
"Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you
did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink
in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small
child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us
all a favor and put on your mask first.
"If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first, and then work your way down.
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having
my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please
take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.
"To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To
release, it's a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is
a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the
smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ...
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.
"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would
have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"
Monday, June 21, 2010
Golf Problems
If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Not for a lousy quarter!
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Over A Century Ago
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:
- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
- Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
- A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
- There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
- The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
- The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
- More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .
- Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
- The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
- There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
- Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
- Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
- There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
- And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind.
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:
- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
- Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
- A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
- There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
- The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
- The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
- More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .
- Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
- The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
- There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
- Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
- Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
- There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
- And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Cat Person Profile Quiz
Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:
--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?
--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"
--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?
--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?
--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?
--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?
--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.
--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"
How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.
Your "Cat-ability" Score"
--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.
--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)
--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?
--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"
--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?
--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?
--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?
--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?
--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.
--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"
How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.
Your "Cat-ability" Score"
--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.
--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
