Preparing for Flight Announcement

Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this memorable
pre-flight safety announcement.

"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really
long evening.

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is ... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now.

"Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you
did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink
in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small
child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us
all a favor and put on your mask first.

"If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first, and then work your way down.

"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having
my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please
take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.

"To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To
release, it's a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is
a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the
smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ...
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.

"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would
have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"