Grooms Beware!

He didn't like my pudding, and he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee, and I didn't make the stew,

I didn't mend his socks like his mother used to do.


As I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue.

So I turned and boxed his ears, like his mother used to do.

Where would you find Pharaoh ants?

Pharaoh ants are a serious nuisance pest in hospitals, rest homes, apartments, hotels, grocery stores, and other buildings.

They feed on a wide variety of foods including soft drinks, greases, jellies, honey, shortening, peanut butter, fruit juices, baked goods, dead insects, and even shoe polish. Also, pharaoh ants gnaw holes in silk, rayon, and rubber goods.

In hospitals, these foraging ants have been found in surgical wounds, I.V. solutions, sealed packs of sterile dressing, water in flower displays, and water pitchers.
Pharoah ants mechanically transmit diseases and contaminate sterile materials.

Marriage One-Liners

~ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

~ A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

~ When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

~ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" \Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

~ Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

~ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

~ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Valentine's Day Commandments

THE VALENTINE'S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth him/her behind his/her back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy--or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my shower, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my cell phone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house without first puttin' down the remote and learnin' how to use a paintbrush!

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

Valentine Puns

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

New Excercise Philosophy

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush

2) Jumping to conclusions

3) Climbing the walls

4) Swallowing my pride

5) Passing the buck

6) Throwing my weight around

7) Dragging my heels

8) Pushing my luck

9) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Happy Exercising...

What are Dermoptera?

Ever hear of Dermoptera?

They are colugos or flying lemurs.



These gliding tree mammals are from Asia. Even though they are known as flying lemurs, these animals don't really fly and they aren't really lemurs either!

They are from the family Cynocephalidae.

Doctor, Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a snail!!"
"Don't worry. We'll soon have you out of your shell."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I'm *SHRINKING*!!"
"Now, now, you'll just have to be a little patient."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a pack of cards!"
"I'll deal with you later."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together.


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"A big truck, two buses and a lot of cars."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! My daughter has swallowed my pen! What should I do?"
"Use a pencil."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a spoon!"
"Still still and don't stir."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm invisible!"
"Next Please!"


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I swallowed my harmonica!"
"Well, looking on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a bell!"
"Take these pills. If they don't help give me a ring."


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!"
"Didn't I see you yesterday?"


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"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! Sometimes I feel like a wigwam and sometimes I feel like a teepee!"
"You're two tents."

Aberration in Science

What is an aberration?

It is the apparent displacement of a star owing to the orbital motion of Earth plus the bending of the light rays from the star.

The aberration causes a star to appear to trace an ellipse about its true position as the Earth travels around the sun.