Undocumented Windows Errors

Undocumented Windows Errors, Part I

*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger

*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet

*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused

*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive

*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened

*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB

*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside

*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside

*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside

*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside

*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?

*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.

Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

Dogs and Computers

Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?

Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"

Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction

Understanding a Woman's Language

Understanding a Woman's Language

"Fine" - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing" - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


(loud sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

(soft sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh" - This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot" - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Wedding Plans

Wedding Plans

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The woodcarver, rabbit & housemaid..

This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a
forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the
housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable
to dress himself.

One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was
dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest
to find wood that would be suitable for carving.

They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood
just perfect for a wood sculpture. Unfortunately, they couldn't
agree on what to carve.

The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs.

The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.

Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went
back to the cottage and explained their problem.

The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the
woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe
would win.

You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught
it and peeked: Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the hare dresser knew
for sure.

Where's That Squirrel?

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and
before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about,
he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with
the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh! I'm in deep
doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about
to pounce, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any
more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts in mid-strike. A look
of terror comes over him as he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German
Shepherd nearly had me!"

At this point, a squirrel who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree figures he can get on the panther's
good side.

"Hey, panther! Y'know, that whole German Shepard thing with
the bones was a fake."

"What do you mean?"

"Those bones were already there. When he saw you he pretended
they were his dinner to scare you off."

Furious at being made a fool of, the young panther says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"

The old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back. He figures out what must have happened
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" He turns to run but,
realizing he can't outrun a panther, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says, "Now where's that squirrel? I sent him off an
hour ago to bring me another panther!"

ALLLEEE OOOP

The champion jockey is about to enter an important steeplechase
on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race
and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!'
real loud in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be
fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The
jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse
crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat
embarrassed, whispers, 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same
thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of
the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have
to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" real loud. Sure enough, the
horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems, the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What
is he - deaf or something?"

"Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

Preparing for Flight Announcement

Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this memorable
pre-flight safety announcement.

"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really
long evening.

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is ... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now.

"Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you
did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink
in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small
child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us
all a favor and put on your mask first.

"If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first, and then work your way down.

"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having
my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please
take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.

"To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To
release, it's a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is
a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the
smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ...
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.

"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would
have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

Golf Problems

If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Not for a lousy quarter!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Over A Century Ago

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:

- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

- Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

- A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

- There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

- The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

- The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

- More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .

- Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

- The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!

- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

- There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

- Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

- Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

- There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

- And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind.