Things to Ponder!

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

Marriage One-Liners

~ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

~ A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

~ When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

~ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" \Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

~ Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

~ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

~ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Infamous Last Words

Infamous Last Words. . .

~ I'll get a world record for this.
~ It's fireproof.
~ He's probably just hibernating.
~ I'm making a citizen's arrest.
~ So, you're a cannibal.
~ Are you sure the power is off?
~ Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
~ I've seen this done on TV.
~ These are the good kind of mushrooms.
~ Let it down slowly.
~ Rat poison only kills rats.
~ Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
~ It's strong enough for both of us.
~ This doesn't taste right.
~ Nice doggie.
~ I've done this before.
~ Well, we've made it this far.
~ That's odd.
~ Don't be so superstitious.