How To Tell When Things Go Bad

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.


FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.


EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.


DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!


MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.


UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.


CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.


POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.


BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.


CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.


FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.


RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.


SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.


SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.


VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

Growing Old. . .

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.


"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.


"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.


You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.


And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.


So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.


You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."


Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"


May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

Give her another chance!

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"