One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Time to RUN!
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sermon Samples
My pastor friend told me his chruch installed sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms. After about two weeks I dropped by to see him and noticed workmen taking them out.
I asked him why. The pastor confessed that they worked fine, but said when he went in the men's room after the previous Sunday's service he found a scribbled note above one of the hand dryers that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push button."
Not surprisingly, the dryers were out, paper towell dispensers were back in.
I asked him why. The pastor confessed that they worked fine, but said when he went in the men's room after the previous Sunday's service he found a scribbled note above one of the hand dryers that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push button."
Not surprisingly, the dryers were out, paper towell dispensers were back in.
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Monday, October 18, 2010
Giving up Golf
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
Friday, October 15, 2010
Take me out to the ballgame. . .
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Optimist vs. Pessimist
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Epitaphs
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones:
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's So HOT....
It's So Hot In Here...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Widow at the Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Woman's Thoughts
Random Thoughts from a Woman
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Rules for Parking in New Jersey
Rules for Parking in New Jersey
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many
spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot
and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent
one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the
space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver
signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car
so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to
squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore
the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to
another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting
for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that
you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same
rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position
your car so that you are in his way and let the car
behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up
a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door
and leave a dent, wait for a car which is painted the
same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking
for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let
a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into
the opposite lane of traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a mall into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn in order
to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or
tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in mall
parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag that's been sitting in the back seat since last
Tuesday's breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to
pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping
bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there
is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your
bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then
if the cart is still too close when you step out, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the
cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the
stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy mall
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall and you have to
load your bags into the car before going back in to do
more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting
patiently watching you load your car and signalling for
your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs,
press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your
car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the you-know-what out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted
in the mall parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car and the driver
isn't around, take out a piece of paper and start writing.
This is especially effective if there are witnesses. On a
piece of paper write, "There were people who saw me hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many
spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot
and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent
one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the
space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver
signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car
so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to
squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore
the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to
another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting
for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that
you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same
rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position
your car so that you are in his way and let the car
behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up
a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door
and leave a dent, wait for a car which is painted the
same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking
for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let
a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into
the opposite lane of traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a mall into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn in order
to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or
tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in mall
parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag that's been sitting in the back seat since last
Tuesday's breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to
pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping
bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there
is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your
bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then
if the cart is still too close when you step out, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the
cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the
stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy mall
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall and you have to
load your bags into the car before going back in to do
more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting
patiently watching you load your car and signalling for
your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs,
press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your
car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the you-know-what out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted
in the mall parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car and the driver
isn't around, take out a piece of paper and start writing.
This is especially effective if there are witnesses. On a
piece of paper write, "There were people who saw me hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Retro Commerce
RETRO COMMERCE?
They're calling them "stores" or "s-commerce," and they're being rolled out in towns and cities everywhere.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcom Fosbury, a local worker. "You just walk into one of these stores and they have all sorts of things for sale."
Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing downtown recently. "Stores seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I were actually wearing the clothing." This is now possible using a high-definition 2-D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become more popularly known.
Stores, also called shops, are frequently aggregated into shopping promenades, or "malls," and are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich but time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely-populated areas, people are finding them extremely convenient.
And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by these shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating cross-trainers and then wait an additional five to ten days for them to be delivered and hope they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst for the city. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."
Being able to see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey. "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, or sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."
Retail analyst Carl Gentner testifies that, "Stores have a compelling commercial story to tell. There are massive efficiencies built into their supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in malls, there are dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. I mean, compare that to the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes."
Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home only to find a notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a dispatch warehouse on the other side of town.
But it's not just the convenience that appeals to Mr. Fosbury. "Going out and visiting a shop is a real relief for me. I mean, as it is I already spend all day in front of the stupid computer."
[adapted from jokefile.uk.com; edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]
They're calling them "stores" or "s-commerce," and they're being rolled out in towns and cities everywhere.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcom Fosbury, a local worker. "You just walk into one of these stores and they have all sorts of things for sale."
Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing downtown recently. "Stores seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I were actually wearing the clothing." This is now possible using a high-definition 2-D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become more popularly known.
Stores, also called shops, are frequently aggregated into shopping promenades, or "malls," and are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich but time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely-populated areas, people are finding them extremely convenient.
And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by these shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating cross-trainers and then wait an additional five to ten days for them to be delivered and hope they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst for the city. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."
Being able to see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey. "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, or sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."
Retail analyst Carl Gentner testifies that, "Stores have a compelling commercial story to tell. There are massive efficiencies built into their supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in malls, there are dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. I mean, compare that to the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes."
Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home only to find a notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a dispatch warehouse on the other side of town.
But it's not just the convenience that appeals to Mr. Fosbury. "Going out and visiting a shop is a real relief for me. I mean, as it is I already spend all day in front of the stupid computer."
[adapted from jokefile.uk.com; edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]
Friday, April 30, 2010
Growing Old. . .
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Give her another chance!
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Going On The Wagon
Going On The Wagon
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Old Coffee
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee.
When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
That's No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Monday, January 11, 2010
What Cause Arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a subway one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Gee whiz, I'll be," uttered the drunk and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.. "
He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Gee whiz, I'll be," uttered the drunk and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.. "
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