In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"

And then God said, "Let there be Light!" And there was Light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yield seed, and the fruit tree yield fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And then God said, "Let us make Man in our own image, after our likeness, and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth. And over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created Man in his own image. Male and Female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were fit.

And Satan said, "I think I know how to get back into this game."

And God placed upon the earth broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And then Satan created fast food restaurants. And the fast food restaurants brought forth the double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super Size them," and gained five pounds.

And then God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure Man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate, and Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy salad."

But Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's, and Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so large it needed its own platter, and Man gained ten pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil in changing channels between ESPN and ESPN2, and Man gained another twenty pounds.

And Man went into cardiac arrest, and God sighed, then invented quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed the Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing grain of whole wheat rice, and God created the life-giving tofu.

But Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolates and upon returning, inquired of Man, "Do I look fat?"

And Satan whispered to Man, "Always tell the truth," and Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the healthy seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers.

It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent interest, and the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet east of Nod, south of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the divorce settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

A Sesame Street Bux

A young man gets a job as a school bus driver. He shows up for work and finds that his bus is decorated inside and out with pictures of Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Cookie Monster.

He arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother says, "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big.
*Really* big. I mean, they're *FAT*.

The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age ..."

The driver manages to keep his tongue under control and replies "Yes, I can see that."

The mother continues, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem." The two girls squeeze down the aisle and find seats. The driver closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the doors and he sees a mother and her young son.
The mother says, "You're new, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my son Ross. He's very special."

The driver looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his pocket protector. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

"Yes, I can see that."

"My Ross is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," and Ross proudly seats himself right up front.

The bus goes to the next stop, where there's a mother and another little boy. The mother says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

Lester is a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother continues, "Lester has problems with his feet."

The driver nods sympathetically. "Yes, I can see that."

"I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he won't trip and fall."

"No problem." Lester limps to his seat. As he closes the bus doors and drives away, the driver sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks
at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He is met by his supervisor.

"How did your first day go?"

"How do you think? I have two obese Pattys, special Ross and Lester Cleese picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

Truths for Mature People

Truths For Mature Humans:

1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument
when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on
#5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they
told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind
of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going
to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection
... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my
ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any
changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never
wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring
(Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back,
it rings nine times and goes to an answering machine. What
did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What
a waste!

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone
just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller
Lite than Kay.

20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I
was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the
heck was going on when I first saw it.

21. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic
bags in each hand than take two trips to bring in my
groceries.

22. The only time I look forward to a red light is when
I'm trying to finish a text.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"
before you just nod and smile because you still didn't
hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line
of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the
front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants
never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

27. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and
dumber every year?

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a
little too far.

29. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but no matter what my mode of
transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive
times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble
locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell
phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet
everyone can find and push the snooze button from three
feet away. In about 1.7 seconds. Eyes closed. First time,
every time.