The woodcarver, rabbit & housemaid..

This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a
forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the
housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable
to dress himself.

One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was
dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest
to find wood that would be suitable for carving.

They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood
just perfect for a wood sculpture. Unfortunately, they couldn't
agree on what to carve.

The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs.

The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.

Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went
back to the cottage and explained their problem.

The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the
woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe
would win.

You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught
it and peeked: Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the hare dresser knew
for sure.

A Sesame Street Bux

A young man gets a job as a school bus driver. He shows up for work and finds that his bus is decorated inside and out with pictures of Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Cookie Monster.

He arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother says, "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big.
*Really* big. I mean, they're *FAT*.

The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age ..."

The driver manages to keep his tongue under control and replies "Yes, I can see that."

The mother continues, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem." The two girls squeeze down the aisle and find seats. The driver closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the doors and he sees a mother and her young son.
The mother says, "You're new, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my son Ross. He's very special."

The driver looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his pocket protector. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

"Yes, I can see that."

"My Ross is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," and Ross proudly seats himself right up front.

The bus goes to the next stop, where there's a mother and another little boy. The mother says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

Lester is a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother continues, "Lester has problems with his feet."

The driver nods sympathetically. "Yes, I can see that."

"I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he won't trip and fall."

"No problem." Lester limps to his seat. As he closes the bus doors and drives away, the driver sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks
at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He is met by his supervisor.

"How did your first day go?"

"How do you think? I have two obese Pattys, special Ross and Lester Cleese picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

Puns on Beatles songs. . .

( Eirik Ott received the Bronze medal in the 2009 O. Henry
Pun-Off World Championships Punniest of Show competition
with this piece on Beatle songs.)


I'm driving to Galveston in a shiny SUV. It's my friend
MAXWELL'S SILVER HUMMER. He heard I needed transportation,
and said, "BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR!" Max is in the
military and drinks a lot in bars. He's pretty chill,
though. He's a MELLOW PUB MARINE.


So there I am speeding WHILE MY RADAR GENTLY SWEEPS the
freeway for cops, and I'm thinking about the shack I
rented at the beach, and realize I don't have enough money
to pay the BUNGALOW BILL.


I'm meeting Ella Fitzgerald and Cathy Rigby there, but
neither ELLA NOR RIGBY offered to help pay.


After an hour of driving on toll roads -- man, i wish there
was a PENNY LANE -- I start craving a nice wad of Skoal ...
oh ... I WANT CHEW ... I WANT CHEW SO BAD, BABY! IT'S DRIVING
ME MAD! I GOT TO GET CHEW INTO MY LIFE!


P.S. I LOVE CHEW. My girlfriend does, too. SHE LOVES CHEW,
YEAH YEAH YEAH.


I want it so bad, I start to hallucinate, and I see a weeping
frog with his face on his butt. it was a WRONG-END WHINING
TOAD.


I break out in little bumps, and I reach for my bottle of
Tabasco. It's my favourite SALTED PEPPERS ONLY WARTS RUB
BRAND.


I'm quite a religious guy. I talk to the Lord every night,
then twice on Sunday. Yep. EIGHT PRAYS A WEEK.


For dinner, we stuff some pastry dough with meat and nuts. It
was the best JUICY DINNA PIE WITH ALMONDS we'd ever tasted!


Around midnight, they ask me for puns, and I say, "No way, I'm
a DAY QUIPPER."

Valentine Puns

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

Doctor, Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a snail!!"
"Don't worry. We'll soon have you out of your shell."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I'm *SHRINKING*!!"
"Now, now, you'll just have to be a little patient."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a pack of cards!"
"I'll deal with you later."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together.


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"A big truck, two buses and a lot of cars."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! My daughter has swallowed my pen! What should I do?"
"Use a pencil."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a spoon!"
"Still still and don't stir."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm invisible!"
"Next Please!"


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I swallowed my harmonica!"
"Well, looking on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm a bell!"
"Take these pills. If they don't help give me a ring."


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!"
"Didn't I see you yesterday?"


-----


"Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! Sometimes I feel like a wigwam and sometimes I feel like a teepee!"
"You're two tents."

A Little Tolerance Please

The answer is "Tolerance". What's the Question?

Q: What do you get when you give growth hormones to ants?

God's Names

The Sunday School teacher asks, "What are some of the names used for the Supreme Being?"

"God."

"Very good. Another?"
"Lord."

"Yes! Anyone Else?"
"Yahweh." "Jehovah." "King of Kings."

"Excellent! Little Johnny, can you think of any?"
I know three: Art, Harold, and Andy."

Can you explain those?"
"Oh, yes. You know, 'Our Father, Art, in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"

"Hmmm ..."

"And I just heard a hymn: 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me'!"