Things to Ponder!

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

New York City-isms

Only those that grew up or lived in New York City will
understand these:

There is no north and south. It's 'uptown' or 'downtown.'
If you're really from New York you have absolutely no
concept of where north and south are ... and anything east
or west is 'crosstown.'

You know how to make an egg cream [hint: there are no eggs
and no cream].

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just
because there are seats available.

You know what a 'regular' coffee is.

You move 3,000 miles away and spend ten years learning the
local language but the minute you open your mouth people
still know you're from Brooklyn, Long Island, Staten
Island (the other "The Island") or "Those Bronx".

You return after ten years and all you want are a real
pizza and a real bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is HUGE.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You're not the least bit interested in going to the
Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building or Times
Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when
alternate side of the street parking regulations are in
effect.

You know what a bodega is.

When someone bumps into you, you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the lady walking down the street
having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

You pay 'only' $350 a month to park your car.

You cringe when you hear people pronounce "Houston
Street" like the city in Texas.

A presidential visit is not an honor, it's a major
traffic jam.

It's Slippery On That Ice!

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor. He skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume performs some excellent leaps but with out any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.9
United States 5.5
Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to hip-hop. He gets the crowd clapping, but technically is nowhere near as good as the Russian. He misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But artistically he gave
a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.5
United States 5.9
Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor, wearing a tatty old donkey jacket with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips and bangs his nose. The nose starts to bleed. He gets up, staggers a few paces and then slips again. Finally he crawls off the ice a bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0
Russia 0.0
United States 0.0
Ireland 6.0

The other British, Russian and American judges ask the Irish judge in unison, "How can you possibly give that mess 6.0?!?"

"You gotta remember, laddies, it's mighty slippery out there!"