What Doctors Really Mean

What Doctors Say, and What They Really Mean


"This should be taken care of right away."
Really Means
"I'm going to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."


"Wellll, what do we have here...?"
Really Means
"I have no idea what's wrong with you and I'm hoping you'll give me a clue."


"Let me check your medical history."
Really Means
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time on this.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Really Means
"I'm playing golf this afternoon"
-- OR --
"I want a new boat so I'm charging you for another office visit."


"We have some good news and some bad news."
Really Means
"The good news is, I'm going to buy that new boat. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."


"Let's see how it develops."
Really Means
"Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured."


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Really Means
" I have a forty percent interest in the lab."


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Really Means
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle."


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Really Means
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."


"Call the office if it doesn't clear up in a week."
Really Means
"I don't know what it is. Maybe it'll go away by itself."
-- OR --
"I've never seen anything so disgusting. Thank Goodness I'm off next week."


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Really Means
"I think I'm going to throw up."


"This may smart a little."
Really Means
"Last week two patients bit off their tongues."


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we ...?"
Really Means
"I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?"


"This should fix you up."
Really Means
"The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff."


"Everything seems to be normal."
Really Means
"Rats! I guess I can't buy that new boat after all."


"I'd like to run some more tests."
Really Means
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Really Means
"You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me ..."


"There is a lot of that going around."
Really Means
"Good Lord! That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."