( Eirik Ott received the Bronze medal in the 2009 O. Henry
Pun-Off World Championships Punniest of Show competition
with this piece on Beatle songs.)
I'm driving to Galveston in a shiny SUV. It's my friend
MAXWELL'S SILVER HUMMER. He heard I needed transportation,
and said, "BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR!" Max is in the
military and drinks a lot in bars. He's pretty chill,
though. He's a MELLOW PUB MARINE.
So there I am speeding WHILE MY RADAR GENTLY SWEEPS the
freeway for cops, and I'm thinking about the shack I
rented at the beach, and realize I don't have enough money
to pay the BUNGALOW BILL.
I'm meeting Ella Fitzgerald and Cathy Rigby there, but
neither ELLA NOR RIGBY offered to help pay.
After an hour of driving on toll roads -- man, i wish there
was a PENNY LANE -- I start craving a nice wad of Skoal ...
oh ... I WANT CHEW ... I WANT CHEW SO BAD, BABY! IT'S DRIVING
ME MAD! I GOT TO GET CHEW INTO MY LIFE!
P.S. I LOVE CHEW. My girlfriend does, too. SHE LOVES CHEW,
YEAH YEAH YEAH.
I want it so bad, I start to hallucinate, and I see a weeping
frog with his face on his butt. it was a WRONG-END WHINING
TOAD.
I break out in little bumps, and I reach for my bottle of
Tabasco. It's my favourite SALTED PEPPERS ONLY WARTS RUB
BRAND.
I'm quite a religious guy. I talk to the Lord every night,
then twice on Sunday. Yep. EIGHT PRAYS A WEEK.
For dinner, we stuff some pastry dough with meat and nuts. It
was the best JUICY DINNA PIE WITH ALMONDS we'd ever tasted!
Around midnight, they ask me for puns, and I say, "No way, I'm
a DAY QUIPPER."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Rules for Parking in New Jersey
Rules for Parking in New Jersey
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many
spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot
and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent
one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the
space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver
signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car
so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to
squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore
the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to
another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting
for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that
you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same
rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position
your car so that you are in his way and let the car
behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up
a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door
and leave a dent, wait for a car which is painted the
same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking
for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let
a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into
the opposite lane of traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a mall into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn in order
to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or
tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in mall
parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag that's been sitting in the back seat since last
Tuesday's breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to
pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping
bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there
is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your
bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then
if the cart is still too close when you step out, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the
cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the
stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy mall
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall and you have to
load your bags into the car before going back in to do
more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting
patiently watching you load your car and signalling for
your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs,
press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your
car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the you-know-what out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted
in the mall parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car and the driver
isn't around, take out a piece of paper and start writing.
This is especially effective if there are witnesses. On a
piece of paper write, "There were people who saw me hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many
spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot
and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent
one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the
space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver
signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car
so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to
squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore
the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to
another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting
for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that
you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same
rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position
your car so that you are in his way and let the car
behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up
a regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door
and leave a dent, wait for a car which is painted the
same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking
for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let
a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into
the opposite lane of traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a mall into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn in order
to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or
tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in mall
parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag that's been sitting in the back seat since last
Tuesday's breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to
pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping
bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there
is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your
bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then
if the cart is still too close when you step out, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the
cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the
stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy mall
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall and you have to
load your bags into the car before going back in to do
more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting
patiently watching you load your car and signalling for
your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs,
press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your
car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the you-know-what out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted
in the mall parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car and the driver
isn't around, take out a piece of paper and start writing.
This is especially effective if there are witnesses. On a
piece of paper write, "There were people who saw me hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Retro Commerce
RETRO COMMERCE?
They're calling them "stores" or "s-commerce," and they're being rolled out in towns and cities everywhere.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcom Fosbury, a local worker. "You just walk into one of these stores and they have all sorts of things for sale."
Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing downtown recently. "Stores seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I were actually wearing the clothing." This is now possible using a high-definition 2-D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become more popularly known.
Stores, also called shops, are frequently aggregated into shopping promenades, or "malls," and are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich but time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely-populated areas, people are finding them extremely convenient.
And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by these shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating cross-trainers and then wait an additional five to ten days for them to be delivered and hope they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst for the city. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."
Being able to see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey. "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, or sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."
Retail analyst Carl Gentner testifies that, "Stores have a compelling commercial story to tell. There are massive efficiencies built into their supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in malls, there are dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. I mean, compare that to the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes."
Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home only to find a notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a dispatch warehouse on the other side of town.
But it's not just the convenience that appeals to Mr. Fosbury. "Going out and visiting a shop is a real relief for me. I mean, as it is I already spend all day in front of the stupid computer."
[adapted from jokefile.uk.com; edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]
They're calling them "stores" or "s-commerce," and they're being rolled out in towns and cities everywhere.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcom Fosbury, a local worker. "You just walk into one of these stores and they have all sorts of things for sale."
Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing downtown recently. "Stores seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I were actually wearing the clothing." This is now possible using a high-definition 2-D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become more popularly known.
Stores, also called shops, are frequently aggregated into shopping promenades, or "malls," and are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich but time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely-populated areas, people are finding them extremely convenient.
And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by these shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating cross-trainers and then wait an additional five to ten days for them to be delivered and hope they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst for the city. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."
Being able to see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey. "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, or sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."
Retail analyst Carl Gentner testifies that, "Stores have a compelling commercial story to tell. There are massive efficiencies built into their supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in malls, there are dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. I mean, compare that to the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes."
Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home only to find a notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a dispatch warehouse on the other side of town.
But it's not just the convenience that appeals to Mr. Fosbury. "Going out and visiting a shop is a real relief for me. I mean, as it is I already spend all day in front of the stupid computer."
[adapted from jokefile.uk.com; edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]
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