Cat Person Profile Quiz

Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?

--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.

--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.

--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)

Things to Ponder!

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

New York City-isms

Only those that grew up or lived in New York City will
understand these:

There is no north and south. It's 'uptown' or 'downtown.'
If you're really from New York you have absolutely no
concept of where north and south are ... and anything east
or west is 'crosstown.'

You know how to make an egg cream [hint: there are no eggs
and no cream].

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just
because there are seats available.

You know what a 'regular' coffee is.

You move 3,000 miles away and spend ten years learning the
local language but the minute you open your mouth people
still know you're from Brooklyn, Long Island, Staten
Island (the other "The Island") or "Those Bronx".

You return after ten years and all you want are a real
pizza and a real bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is HUGE.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You're not the least bit interested in going to the
Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building or Times
Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when
alternate side of the street parking regulations are in
effect.

You know what a bodega is.

When someone bumps into you, you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the lady walking down the street
having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

You pay 'only' $350 a month to park your car.

You cringe when you hear people pronounce "Houston
Street" like the city in Texas.

A presidential visit is not an honor, it's a major
traffic jam.

It's Slippery On That Ice!

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor. He skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume performs some excellent leaps but with out any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.9
United States 5.5
Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to hip-hop. He gets the crowd clapping, but technically is nowhere near as good as the Russian. He misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But artistically he gave
a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.5
United States 5.9
Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor, wearing a tatty old donkey jacket with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips and bangs his nose. The nose starts to bleed. He gets up, staggers a few paces and then slips again. Finally he crawls off the ice a bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0
Russia 0.0
United States 0.0
Ireland 6.0

The other British, Russian and American judges ask the Irish judge in unison, "How can you possibly give that mess 6.0?!?"

"You gotta remember, laddies, it's mighty slippery out there!"

Driving Lessons

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.

As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."

Dementia Test

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

A Woman's Thoughts

Random Thoughts from a Woman

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"

And then God said, "Let there be Light!" And there was Light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yield seed, and the fruit tree yield fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And then God said, "Let us make Man in our own image, after our likeness, and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth. And over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created Man in his own image. Male and Female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were fit.

And Satan said, "I think I know how to get back into this game."

And God placed upon the earth broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And then Satan created fast food restaurants. And the fast food restaurants brought forth the double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super Size them," and gained five pounds.

And then God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure Man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate, and Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy salad."

But Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's, and Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so large it needed its own platter, and Man gained ten pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil in changing channels between ESPN and ESPN2, and Man gained another twenty pounds.

And Man went into cardiac arrest, and God sighed, then invented quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed the Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing grain of whole wheat rice, and God created the life-giving tofu.

But Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolates and upon returning, inquired of Man, "Do I look fat?"

And Satan whispered to Man, "Always tell the truth," and Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the healthy seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers.

It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent interest, and the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet east of Nod, south of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the divorce settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

A Sesame Street Bux

A young man gets a job as a school bus driver. He shows up for work and finds that his bus is decorated inside and out with pictures of Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Cookie Monster.

He arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother says, "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big.
*Really* big. I mean, they're *FAT*.

The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age ..."

The driver manages to keep his tongue under control and replies "Yes, I can see that."

The mother continues, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem." The two girls squeeze down the aisle and find seats. The driver closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the doors and he sees a mother and her young son.
The mother says, "You're new, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, I'd like you to meet my son Ross. He's very special."

The driver looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his pocket protector. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

"Yes, I can see that."

"My Ross is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," and Ross proudly seats himself right up front.

The bus goes to the next stop, where there's a mother and another little boy. The mother says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

"Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

Lester is a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother continues, "Lester has problems with his feet."

The driver nods sympathetically. "Yes, I can see that."

"I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he won't trip and fall."

"No problem." Lester limps to his seat. As he closes the bus doors and drives away, the driver sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks
at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He is met by his supervisor.

"How did your first day go?"

"How do you think? I have two obese Pattys, special Ross and Lester Cleese picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

Truths for Mature People

Truths For Mature Humans:

1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument
when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on
#5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they
told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind
of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going
to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection
... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my
ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any
changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never
wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring
(Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back,
it rings nine times and goes to an answering machine. What
did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What
a waste!

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone
just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller
Lite than Kay.

20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I
was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the
heck was going on when I first saw it.

21. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic
bags in each hand than take two trips to bring in my
groceries.

22. The only time I look forward to a red light is when
I'm trying to finish a text.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"
before you just nod and smile because you still didn't
hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line
of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the
front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants
never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

27. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and
dumber every year?

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a
little too far.

29. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but no matter what my mode of
transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive
times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble
locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell
phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet
everyone can find and push the snooze button from three
feet away. In about 1.7 seconds. Eyes closed. First time,
every time.

Puns on Beatles songs. . .

( Eirik Ott received the Bronze medal in the 2009 O. Henry
Pun-Off World Championships Punniest of Show competition
with this piece on Beatle songs.)


I'm driving to Galveston in a shiny SUV. It's my friend
MAXWELL'S SILVER HUMMER. He heard I needed transportation,
and said, "BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR!" Max is in the
military and drinks a lot in bars. He's pretty chill,
though. He's a MELLOW PUB MARINE.


So there I am speeding WHILE MY RADAR GENTLY SWEEPS the
freeway for cops, and I'm thinking about the shack I
rented at the beach, and realize I don't have enough money
to pay the BUNGALOW BILL.


I'm meeting Ella Fitzgerald and Cathy Rigby there, but
neither ELLA NOR RIGBY offered to help pay.


After an hour of driving on toll roads -- man, i wish there
was a PENNY LANE -- I start craving a nice wad of Skoal ...
oh ... I WANT CHEW ... I WANT CHEW SO BAD, BABY! IT'S DRIVING
ME MAD! I GOT TO GET CHEW INTO MY LIFE!


P.S. I LOVE CHEW. My girlfriend does, too. SHE LOVES CHEW,
YEAH YEAH YEAH.


I want it so bad, I start to hallucinate, and I see a weeping
frog with his face on his butt. it was a WRONG-END WHINING
TOAD.


I break out in little bumps, and I reach for my bottle of
Tabasco. It's my favourite SALTED PEPPERS ONLY WARTS RUB
BRAND.


I'm quite a religious guy. I talk to the Lord every night,
then twice on Sunday. Yep. EIGHT PRAYS A WEEK.


For dinner, we stuff some pastry dough with meat and nuts. It
was the best JUICY DINNA PIE WITH ALMONDS we'd ever tasted!


Around midnight, they ask me for puns, and I say, "No way, I'm
a DAY QUIPPER."

Rules for Parking in New Jersey

Rules for Parking in New Jersey


Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others from passing.


Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many
spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.


Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot
and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent
one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.


Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the
space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver
signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.


Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car
so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to
squeeze into his/her car.


Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.


Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore
the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to
another at a high rate of speed.


Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting
for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that
you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same
rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.


Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position
your car so that you are in his way and let the car
behind you take it.


Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up
a regular parking spot.


Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door
and leave a dent, wait for a car which is painted the
same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking
for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.


Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let
a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into
the opposite lane of traffic and attempt to pass him.


Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!


Rule #14 - When exiting a mall into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.


Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn in order
to pull into it.


Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or
tightly between parked vehicles.


Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in mall
parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's
bag that's been sitting in the back seat since last
Tuesday's breakfast.


Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.


Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to
pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping
bags and look at what you just bought.


Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there
is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your
bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then
if the cart is still too close when you step out, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the
cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the
stores.


Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy mall
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them
think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.


Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall and you have to
load your bags into the car before going back in to do
more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting
patiently watching you load your car and signalling for
your spot.


Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs,
press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your
car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the you-know-what out of them.


Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted
in the mall parking lot, there isn't any!


Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car and the driver
isn't around, take out a piece of paper and start writing.
This is especially effective if there are witnesses. On a
piece of paper write, "There were people who saw me hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."

Retro Commerce

RETRO COMMERCE?

They're calling them "stores" or "s-commerce," and they're being rolled out in towns and cities everywhere.

"It's a real revelation," according to Malcom Fosbury, a local worker. "You just walk into one of these stores and they have all sorts of things for sale."

Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing downtown recently. "Stores seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I were actually wearing the clothing." This is now possible using a high-definition 2-D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become more popularly known.

Stores, also called shops, are frequently aggregated into shopping promenades, or "malls," and are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich but time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely-populated areas, people are finding them extremely convenient.

And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by these shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating cross-trainers and then wait an additional five to ten days for them to be delivered and hope they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst for the city. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."

Being able to see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey. "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, or sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."

Retail analyst Carl Gentner testifies that, "Stores have a compelling commercial story to tell. There are massive efficiencies built into their supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in malls, there are dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. I mean, compare that to the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes."

Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home only to find a notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a dispatch warehouse on the other side of town.

But it's not just the convenience that appeals to Mr. Fosbury. "Going out and visiting a shop is a real relief for me. I mean, as it is I already spend all day in front of the stupid computer."


[adapted from jokefile.uk.com; edits and rewrites by Mark Raymond]

How To Tell When Things Go Bad

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.


FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.


EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.


DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!


MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.


UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.


CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.


POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.


BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.


CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.


FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.


RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.


SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.


SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.


VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.