Puns on Beatles songs. . .

( Eirik Ott received the Bronze medal in the 2009 O. Henry
Pun-Off World Championships Punniest of Show competition
with this piece on Beatle songs.)


I'm driving to Galveston in a shiny SUV. It's my friend
MAXWELL'S SILVER HUMMER. He heard I needed transportation,
and said, "BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR!" Max is in the
military and drinks a lot in bars. He's pretty chill,
though. He's a MELLOW PUB MARINE.


So there I am speeding WHILE MY RADAR GENTLY SWEEPS the
freeway for cops, and I'm thinking about the shack I
rented at the beach, and realize I don't have enough money
to pay the BUNGALOW BILL.


I'm meeting Ella Fitzgerald and Cathy Rigby there, but
neither ELLA NOR RIGBY offered to help pay.


After an hour of driving on toll roads -- man, i wish there
was a PENNY LANE -- I start craving a nice wad of Skoal ...
oh ... I WANT CHEW ... I WANT CHEW SO BAD, BABY! IT'S DRIVING
ME MAD! I GOT TO GET CHEW INTO MY LIFE!


P.S. I LOVE CHEW. My girlfriend does, too. SHE LOVES CHEW,
YEAH YEAH YEAH.


I want it so bad, I start to hallucinate, and I see a weeping
frog with his face on his butt. it was a WRONG-END WHINING
TOAD.


I break out in little bumps, and I reach for my bottle of
Tabasco. It's my favourite SALTED PEPPERS ONLY WARTS RUB
BRAND.


I'm quite a religious guy. I talk to the Lord every night,
then twice on Sunday. Yep. EIGHT PRAYS A WEEK.


For dinner, we stuff some pastry dough with meat and nuts. It
was the best JUICY DINNA PIE WITH ALMONDS we'd ever tasted!


Around midnight, they ask me for puns, and I say, "No way, I'm
a DAY QUIPPER."